ARLINGTON, VA – At a press conference today, presidential hopeful Senator John McCain (R-AZ) admitted that he considered changing his last name to “McClane” during his 2000 election campaign.  The considered change was motivated by a popular fictional character by the name of John McClane, played by the actor Bruce Willis, who saved the day against terrorists in the successful “Die Hard” movie series. 

Senator McCain stated, “Well, I knew John McClane invoked some great images from American theatrical history and thought it might benefit me in my efforts to win the nomination.” 

However, McCain reconsidered and ulitimately did not change his name due to concerns about the movie character’s alcoholism. 

“If I had known the 9/11 attacks were coming, I’d have done it (change name).  How awesome it would have been to have a President John McClane leading the way in America against the jihadists,” McCain said.

McCain has said that he may reconsider changing his name, especially since he is now the oldest first-term presidential candidate in American history. 

“I love the tie-in to ‘Die Hard’; what better way to convey my toughness and vigor to the people of this land?”, McCain concluded.

SAN FRANCISCO-In an unprecedented move, the United States Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit ruled today that the United States Consitution is “unconstitutional.”  In the case of Richmond vs. Allegri, the plaintiff, an owner of a delicatessen, sued the City of Redmond, Washington over its refusal to allow store owners to display American flags larger than 12 inches in shop windows.  The Court sided with the City of Redmond, agreeing that they have the right to regulate displays of all types and sizes, including those with a patriotic theme.  Writing for the majority, Judge Stephen Reinhold stated:

“The actual problem that lies at the heart of this matter is the fact that the First Amendment of the United States Constitution grants a freedom of speech to the citizenry of the nation.  Therefore, we find that the logical decision to prevent progress in the area of municipal governance is to find the Constitution, ‘unconstitutional’.”

Several civil rights organizations across the nation immediately denounced the decision and vowed to appeal to the Supreme Court.  However, the Ninth Circuit judges also declared that they had no right to appeal since the Supreme Court is now null and void under their decision.  They further stated that since there was no longer a governing authority in the United States, they will begin the process of selecting a new national leader.  Sources close to the Court have said that the list of names of possible leaders include Barack Obama, Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., Jesse Jackson and Arnold Schwarzeneggar.

CHICAGO – The Obama presidential campaign will soon unveil a new line of thong sandals, according to a high-level source within the candidate’s organization.  The unnamed staffer states that the sandals will bear the name “OBAMA” in embossed lettering on the left sole with the reverse “AMABO” on the right sole.

“The 3D lettering enables the wearer to leave footprints on the beach with little ‘OBAMAs’ and ‘AMABOs’ everywhere.  That way, everyone knows that with Barack, it doesn’t matter whether he’s left to right or right to left.  Pretty cool, huh?”

The source further revealed that the sandals will be constructed of environmentally-friendly materials and that no sweat shop labor will be utilized in their manufacture.  The new “Obama Flip-Flops” will be sold in several preapproved retail outlets across the United States, and all proceeds will be reportedly donated to a charity that awards scholarships to students from mixed racial backgrounds.